Exhale: A Blog for Women’s Mental & Emotional Health
Grief is a universal human experience, one that touches all of us at some point in our lives. It is the complex and deeply personal response to loss and, though it is something everyone experiences, each person's path is unique. Rather than being a linear process with a definitive end, grief is a lifelong journey that weaves its way into the very fabric of our lives.
For many military spouses, the holidays can be filled with navigating various challenges. Whether you recently moved to your base, your spouse is deployed overseas, or your hundreds or thousands of miles away from your family, the time between Thanksgiving and New Year's can feel isolating and lonely. While the rest of the world seems to be celebrating, you may be finding yourself filled with grief over the loss of home, place, and family.
For anyone not in the military, it may sound cliche when someone says, “When the service member serves in the military, the whole family serves.” But for those of us who are family members of an active-duty service member, we know that this saying actually rings true. As the spouse of a service member, we may not serve on the front lines, but we make lots of sacrifices in support of our spouses’ duties and responsibilities.
When we dig deeper and stop to explore why there is a belief that something is wrong with having these “negative” emotions, there usually has been some kind of overarching message in that woman’s life that has said, “It’s not okay to be mad, angry, sad, depressed…” and the list could go on. This message could have begun early in childhood by parents, siblings, teachers, and friends, or it may have appeared later in life from professors, employers, romantic partners, or the community within which they live. While the message is that those emotions are bad, the other message communicated is “You just need to be happy. Just focus on the positive.” And this is where “toxic positivity” begins to take root.
For any woman who has found herself pregnant during the COVID-19 pandemic, expectations have had to be adjusted based on the requirements and guidelines of the doctors’ offices and delivery settings. And while these adjustments have required pregnant women in New Orleans to shift their expectations, there has been a fair amount of time to process and accept those changes and disappointments.
But one thing that no expectant mom was prepared to deal with is the aftermath of Hurricane Ida. For women who are still pregnant and for those who are newly postpartum, life is currently filled with so many unknowns, so much worry, anxiety, and sadness. Where you are in your pregnancy or postpartum experience may impact the intensity of those emotions and the types of questions you find your anxious mind mulling over.
Pregnancy is typically a time filled with celebration, joy, and eager expectation of your little one’s arrival. During pregnancy, there are milestones you look forward to: the first time you hear your baby’s heartbeat, seeing that tiny little face on an ultrasound, a gender reveal party, a baby shower thrown by loved ones, and the first time you get to finally hold your bundle of joy in your arms. And throughout these special moments, you can’t wait to be able to share them with you partner or spouse, other children, friends, and family members. But with the arrival of the coronavirus a few months ago, those of us who are pregnant found that our expectations for many of these milestones seemed to shatter around us.
When we lose a friend or a family member, the rollercoaster of thoughts and emotions that accompany our grief can be expected to a degree. This was someone who was an important part of our life, someone we had a relationship with, so of course we will grieve the loss of their life. But when a celebrity dies, we are often surprised by the intensity of the feelings we experience over the loss of a person we never had an actual relationship with.
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