The saying goes that when one person in a family is serving in the military, the whole family serves with them.
The toll of military life can bear heavily on the service member’s partner and their children as well as extended family who lean in to hold the burden of frequent relocations, extended deployments, solo parenting, and sheer isolation.
While it’s difficult on the partner and co-parent in these situations, it can be easy to forget how unsettling things can be for children. Maybe it seems like a no-brainer but we often assume kids are handling things fine because we don’t see overt signs of distress. Or maybe the opposite is true and your children are outwardly expressing sadness, anger, fear and confusion. In either situation (or anywhere else on the spectrum your family falls), there are tools you can add to your parenting toolbox that help support your children through the life experience of having a deployed parent.
A common challenge for military families who are uprooted is the lack of a support system for the parents and children.
In such times of distress, kids might reach out to seemingly unlikely peers and trusted adults with questions, seeking advice, or for connection. It’s smart to talk with the people in your child’s life and explain what’s happening so they can help monitor any changes in behavior or mood and give additional support to your child.
From there, your family can do several things to prepare for an upcoming deployment or find a sense of normalcy and peace during one.
Here are 4 tips for how to help your children cope with your spouse’s deployment:
Talk honestly about the impending deployment
Provide the child with as much information as possible about where their service member parent will be and the type of work they will be doing. It can be especially helpful to give detail about the parent’s day-to-day routine and differences between where they will be and the culture of the family. This helps balance the juxtaposition of the parent being in a different place in the world from their family.
Encourage and allow the child to talk about how they are feeling and be okay if they don’t want to talk.
My child once asked me a very serious question about death and I found myself diving into a complex answer. Once I finished my explanation, I asked if he had any other questions to which he replied “Can I have some juice?”. I realized that was his way of telling me he’d had enough information on that subject and the conversation was over.
Talking about equally BIG topics, like the deployment of a parent, might go a similar way and I encourage you to be open and available as questions arise, answering as straightforwardly as possible, and being okay to stop when they signal the desire to do so. This lets your child know that you are available to hold space for difficult feelings but also that you respect their boundaries and autonomy.
Consider developing a communication plan.
Creating a plan can help your child/children can feel a sense of stability even in the midst of life upheaval. Be mindful, though, that having a set time or day of the week when you can expect to hear from your deployed partner can potentially backfire. Discuss with your child that sometimes the servicemember might be unable to adhere to the plan due to work requirements, schedule changes, etc. This will ease anxiety when a planned connection is missed.
Prior to deployment, plan a special time to exchange important keepsakes between loved ones.
Invite your child to select something from the deploying parent that will make them feel secure and elicit happy memories. Then, allow the parent to do the same with the child’s items. This small, meaningful ritual can bring great comfort to both parent and child and serve as a reminder of their connection though the distance between them might be great.
Above all, remember that the pain and loss of having a deployed parent can manifest in many different ways.
Your child might cry. They might be angry. Perhaps they feel afraid for their parent’s safety. Or it could be a combination or ebb and flow of each of these emotions.
While it’s your job as a parent to hold your child and help them feel secure and safe to have these feelings, be aware that there is a heavy weight that falls on your shoulders too. It’s important to care for yourself so you can sustain a sense of “normalcy” and comfort and hold the family at home together.
One way to do that is to seek the counsel of an online therapist who can support you and help strengthen your coping toolbox. If you recognize that your child, or you, are experiencing an increasingly difficult time dealing with the absence of your service member, do not hesitate to reach out for support. There are wonderful resources available through the US Military and also non-profit organizations that focus on children of military members and their families.
Begin Military Spouse Therapy in Colorado, Hawaii, Florida, and Louisiana
Discussing your spouse’s deployment is much easier said than done. I understand this stress, and would be honored to support you and your child in navigating these emotions. I’m happy to offer in-person and online support across the states of Colorado, Hawaii, Louisiana, and Florida. You can start your therapy journey by following these simple steps:
Schedule a free 15-minute consultation via phone or video
Start helping your child cope in a healthy way.
Other Services Offered With Ashley Clark Comegys
Military spouse therapy isn’t the only service I offer. I am happy to offer a variety of mental health support options to residents of Colorado, Hawaii, and Louisiana. Mental health services I offer include online postpartum depression treatment, online postpartum support, and online depression treatment. I’m also happy to offer online grief counseling for women, anxiety treatment, and online trauma treatment for women. Visit my blog or about page to learn more today!