Breastfeeding and the Impact on Postpartum Depression & Anxiety
When I found out I was pregnant with my oldest son, I was pretty sure I wanted to breastfeed, but from early on, I approached the process with low expectations. Even before he was born, I didn’t set a goal to breastfeed till a certain age and gave myself permission to stop if I didn’t feel like it was working for me. From watching my friends and family, I knew that breastfeeding was hard, and I didn’t want to set myself up for an internal struggle if it didn’t work for us.
Learning Breastfeeding Strategies
I took a breastfeeding class and felt so thankful for the techniques and strategies I learned as I began to nurse my newborn after his arrival. I honestly wasn’t sure if I would enjoy breastfeeding, but from the first attempt, he latched easily and I found myself overjoyed to get to share this incredibly beautiful bonding experience with my baby.
But within two weeks, the beauty of those quiet moments with my new baby quickly faded, and everything began to change.
At the two-week weight check for my son, the nurse told us to wait while she went to go get the pediatrician on staff that day. Without even entering the room to talk to us, this older doctor simply poked his head into the room. With a very matter-of-fact tone, they proclaimed, “Your baby isn’t gaining enough weight and you’re not producing enough milk, so you need to supplement.”
I Was Immediately Taken Aback
Not only by the abruptness of his words, but by the fact that I supposedly wasn’t producing enough. My husband and I both tried to raise concerns to him that we felt like our son was spitting up too much and was taking a long time at each nursing session. But as many doctors often do, our concern was dismissed simply as a “babies spit up and you’re just new parents” kind of condescension.
But despite this doctor’s poor delivery, the message was clear: We needed to get our baby to start gaining weight.
So, we started to go full force into trying to get him to put on weight. We were fortunate enough to be able to supplement him with breastmilk from a friend, which allowed me to pump and try in increase my level of production. I ate all the lactation things and stressed about every little drop that went into him.
But as we began this routine of bottle feeding, nursing, and pumping, things started to get worse. Within a month, we began noticing bizarre rashes all over his body, excessive crying, blood in his diaper, and he was still spitting up all the time. And as he fell below the first percentile for body weight, we received a diagnosis of milk-soy protein intolerance (MSPI).
While this diagnosis helped us to feel somewhat reassured that we weren’t just crazy, it started a whole new set of stresses and anxieties. We understood something really was wrong with our baby.
While I continued to breastfeed and pump, I began to eliminate all dairy and soy from my diet, and we began supplementing with a special formula my son could tolerate.
In the midst of this craziness, my husband had to leave for four months for work. So now, where I once had my teammate to help get me through this, it was all on me to get this baby to eat and gain weight. I didn’t have the option to have a breakdown. I had to just push through and do this!
As I began solo parenting, I got into a routine of nursing, then pumping, then giving him a bottle, and doing it all over again, and then again. All the while, that pediatrician’s voice kept popping into my head, “You’re not making enough.” I became obsessed with pumping more and more to make sure I had enough for my baby.
It felt like every few weeks I had to find a new routine to try to figure out what worked.
This week we are pumping and bottle feeding and nursing. Next week we are switching to just bottle feeding formula and breastmilk. This week we are pumping and just doing breastmilk.
It wasn’t until we realized that our son wasn’t efficient at nursing and was burning more calories than he was taking in that I finally was able to begin breaking the obsession and start to give myself permission to slowly wean.
By six months old, my son was diagnosed with severe food allergies.
This helped to shed light on why he struggled so much with his weight and spitting up. Getting the diagnosis was for sure scary, but it was just one more pivot for us to say, “Okay, now THIS is the new routine. We got it; now let’s move on.” I continued forward almost as if nothing had happened.
So, when my second son was born and already started spitting up while still in the hospital, my maternal intuition kicked in.
We asked as many doctors and nurses as we could about the spitting up, and every one of them tried to reassure us that it was just because he was born via C-section and it was normal for C-section babies to spit out the fluid they may have in their system. But something in my gut just didn’t feel right.
After going home, he began to spit more and more
He struggled to latch well and started to drop in his weight. His diapers started to have the same look my oldest son’s had, and the excessive crying began. It all began to feel so familiar.
With his arching back and cries of pain, I began to feel triggered. I started finding myself excessively worrying about every time he needed to be fed. I would obsess over the positioning of the bottle to ensure he wasn’t getting air in his mouth. We began the same routine of nursing, pumping, and bottle feeding that we had done with my oldest son. I eliminated the things from my diet, and we began to supplement a specialty formula.
Yet, I found myself frequently thinking, What if this turns out the same? What if we can’t get his weight up? What if his diapers start getting worse? What if he starts to get rashes?
Despite the fact that I knew how to handle all these anxieties because I had gone through them with my oldest, I felt overwhelmed, scared, and alone.
I pumped frequently so we would have a good supply to give him, but I found myself in tears over the stress of it all. It was as if the traumatic experiences I had with my oldest son were finally coming to the surface and rearing their heads as a trigger for my anxiety.
I knew the lengths to which I was going to try and do all the things (nurse, pump, bottle feed, formula feed) was not sustainable.
I knew my mental and emotional health was suffering and would only get worse if I continued this cycle.
Yet, even as I made the conscious decision to stop breastfeeding and pumping, I continued to have thoughts like, Well, maybe I could do this just a little bit longer, but I had to quickly remind myself that even though at this moment I may feel “okay,” continuing to nurse and pump would be to the detriment of my own emotional and mental health.
Through the support of my son’s pediatrician, my OBGYN, and my therapist I began to reframe my anxious thoughts, and find a feeding plan for my new baby that would help me to be less anxious, stressed, and overwhelmed.
I feel like it’s important for me to openly share my struggle with breastfeeding and the postpartum anxiety that can accompany it, because so often as moms, we bend over backward, practically standing on our heads, just to make breastfeeding work because we are taught “breast is best.”
I’m calling bullshit on that!
“Best” is defined as “of the most excellent, effective, or desirable type or quality.”
But if breastfeeding is causing you to feel anxious, isolated, alone, depressed, or overwhelmed, that is not best!
If you find yourself excessively worrying about your milk production, or what is in your milk, that is not best!
If you’re only sleeping two hours at a time for months on end because you are nursing, bottle feeding, and pumping all that at the same time, that is not best!
If you feel isolated and depressed because you feel like you are the only one struggling with breastfeeding, that is not best!
What is best is a mother who is mentally, emotionally, and physically healthy and can care for her baby.
I want to flip the script and propose that “breast is excellent” and “formula is excellent.”
“Excellent” is defined as “extremely good or outstanding” and you know what? Both breastmilk and formula are exactly that!
If you are struggling with breastfeeding for any kind of reason, give yourself permission to stop if that feels right. Even when you stop, it’s still hard. I know that firsthand! But if you are feeling on edge, finding yourself constantly worrying about your baby’s feedings, struggling to feel connected to your baby, feeling isolated or alone, then it may be time to say, “I need to stop.” And that’s okay!
Whether you are feeding your baby with breastmilk or with formula, that is great! You are an amazing mother, and your baby will be okay with whatever option you choose. But more than anything, your baby needs a healthy and whole mother, both in body and mind.
If you’re struggling with breastfeeding and find yourself feeling stressed, worried, overwhelmed, depressed, or anxious, it would be good to talk to someone.
Share with your spouse or partner how you are feeling and let them know you are struggling. Talk with one of your fellow mom friends. You may not think so, but they may have had some of the same struggles. As a result, you may not know what you need, but allow these people in your life to support you in whatever way you can.
Talking with a therapist who specializes in postpartum depression and anxiety can be very beneficial
Through working with a counselor who understands maternal mental health, you can begin to find ways to cope with the anxiety that you have about breastfeeding. You can learn ways to work through the overwhelm and process the anxious thoughts you have.
While getting out of the house can be a real challenge as a new mom, especially with a baby who struggles with feedings, through online therapy with a therapist who specializes in postpartum depression and anxiety, you can start getting the mental health support you need right from your home.
If you need help finding a therapist, check out the directory on Postpartum Support International’s website. If you are in Louisiana, Hawaii, or Colorado and you’re struggling with postpartum depression or anxiety from breastfeeding, you can contact me to set up a free consultation.
Begin Addressing the Symptoms of Postpartum Depression With Online Therapy for Women with Anxiety in Louisiana, Hawaii, and Colorado:
If you are experiencing postpartum anxiety or postpartum depression and in need of postpartum support then I hope you will consider reaching out to an online therapist for help. I offer online therapy for women in Louisiana, Hawaii, and Colorado. To get started on your therapy journey, follow these steps:
Schedule your free, 15-minute consultation via phone or video call
Learn more about the ways I can help you in therapy
Begin the journey to finding relief from your anxiety so you can enjoy your life again!
Online Mental Health Services Offered By Ashley Comegys, LCSW
In addition to therapy for postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety, I provide a variety of online mental health services to residents of Louisiana, Colorado, and Hawaii. These include individual counseling for women, anxiety counseling, depression treatment, counseling for mothers, counseling for military spouses, and counseling for women who have survived trauma.
*Please note, as a licensed social worker, I am only able to see clients who are physically located in Hawaii, Louisiana, and Colorado.